I am not a vegetarian. I am, however, a Super Intense Picky Eater. The rules of being a SIPE are not simple. You try to eat “colorful” fruits and vegetables, which can result broccoli downed like vitamins throughout the day. (This means with no joy and lots of water.) You don’t eat a lot of meat because you never know when you’re going to come across gristle or veins. And you sure as HECK don’t go near meat that once a baby – as in cow or sheep. You might watch a sweet, endearing movie that involves a talking pig and James Cromwell that will put you off pork for five years. Or not.

How does a SIPE survive? You might eat a lot of soy products, mostly MorningStar’s Farms because they remake awesome childhood things like “chicken nuggets,” but soy. No chance of veins in soy! (That we KNOW of.)

As a SIPE, you really, really want to like nuts. But something about the texture is just gross. You don’t like bitter things like olives, but you go nuts for salty things like French fries. You wish McDonald’s had a better carbon footprint, because you seriously think your last meal would be their French fries. This causes your loved ones to accuse you of Plebian food preferences and to speculate that you have the taste buds of a seven year old.

How does one become a SIPE? Maybe you’re born that way. Or maybe one of your parents was a hunter and left you with distinct childhood memories like walking into the garage to rows of headless ducks. Or you had a deer head hanging in your little girl’s pink bedroom when you were six years old. Maybe, just maybe, this has made you a little wonky about meat. That – and you probably just do have the tastes buds of a seven year old.

[And before half of you start screaming about how just horrible it is to hunt animals: 1) These animals run free their entire lives, never once seeing an antibiotic, hormone, or a pen that makes them stand in their own filth 24/7. 2) Not everyone who hunts fits a certain yahoo stereotype. Which may or may not involve former Alaskan government positions. If you’re going to eat meat, then it’s about the greenest meat you can consume.]

Okay, so most of you are probably not SIPES. But some of you might be vegetarians. Or lacto-ovo vegetarians. Or raw foodies? 10 percent of U.S. adults, or 22.8 million people, say they largely follow a vegetarian-inclined diet. But what does it all mean?

A true vegetarian eats no meat at all, including chicken and fish. The lacto-ovo vegetarians eat dairy products and eggs, but not meat, fish, and poultry. Lacto vegetarians eat dairy products but not eggs. And an ovo vegetarian eats eggs but not dairy products.

Then there are the vegans. Vegans do not eat eggs and dairy product, nor do they eat animal products like honey and gelatin.

The semi-vegetarians eat vegetables, fruits, grains, legumes, seeds, and nuts. They also eat fish and a small amount of poultry. Then there are the pesci-vegetarians, or people who only eat fish.

Think we’re done? Don’t forget the raw foodies. The raw food diet is a diet based on unprocessed and uncooked plant foods, such as fresh fruit and vegetables, sprouts, seeds, nuts, grains, beans, nuts, dried fruit, and seaweed. You can’t heat your food above 116 F, as this is believed to destroy enzymes in food that can assist in the digestion and absorption of food.
 

So it’s a wild world of food labels out there. So where does this leave this SIPE? Well, I’m still mostly off meat. After watching the outstanding Food, Inc., any meat I do eat will be organic and humanely-raised.

And you still can’t get me near an olive or nut.

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